My Father

my father standing next to me

It had been 4 years since his passing today. I must say that it hurts less when I think of him, which is essentially everyday. I still miss him very much.  I cherish every moments I spent with him during the last 6 months of his life.  There were many moments of suffering and moments of laughter. I am glad the he was able to spend some times with his grandchildren in the last few months.  I know they cared for him very much. And, I am sure that they miss him as much as I do.

I know that he’s watching over everyone. The picture makes me a believer that he’s always there for me and watching over me. I am comforted to have his love, caring, and protection. I hope that he will guide me in the right direction in life. I hope that he watches over and protect his grandchildren when I could not be there for them. I hope he lets them know that I always love them and think of them and miss them dearly.

I want him to know that I will take care of his wife, my mother. Let her heal and live a happy and productive life.  I try to keep her busy & happy the best way I know how. But, I could use his help to watch over her as well.

On a very sad note, my aunt inlaw passed away rather suddenly from metastatic breast cancer. I feel so sad for my uncle and their son. Apparently she had not been feeling well for a little while. In the last 2 weeks they discovered that she may have cancer in the liver. This turned out to be metastatic tumor from her breast. Chemotherapy was started but her liver began to fail. Her body began shutting down with multiorgan failure.  She passed during the early morning of November 1st. May she rest in peace without any more suffering. She will be missed by many people.

Being a father myself, I wonder what my children think of me now. Do they even think of me?  Do they still remember and miss me. Am I as good as dead to them? Am I merely a memory to them as well?  Do they wish to see me?  Well, I miss them dearly.  I think of them every moment of my waking hours. I wish to be their father and be invlove in their lives. I wish this world is fair and righteous. I look forward to the day that I can be their father again.  I hope they don’t give up on me as much as I hope and pray that I will see them again.

I love you and miss you Pa. And, I love and miss you Christipher, Caitlin, and Elizabeth.

Happy Birthday Lizzy

Dearest Lizzy,

I miss you dearly. I miss holding your little body tight and never let you go. I think of you during all my waking moments and in my dreams. I long to hear your voice calling out to me “I love you daddy”. I miss how you run to me and jump in my arms every time you see me.

Happy birthday my baby! I wish I could hold you and tell you in person. I wish you have a wonderful birthday. May God bless you & protect you always. May he grant and allow us to be together again.

I love you always and forever…..

Daddy

New Beginning….

Okay…..

It has been a while since I posted anything.  Once again, so much to say but hard to write it down.  I actually had been ignoring my blog for awhile.  Then, I decided to start again.  I will try WordPress for my blogging rant and imported my previous posts here.

Well…

A whole lot had happened since my last post.  Events had turn my life upside down, right-side up, then upside down again!  It had been a bittersweet  experience and very emotional.  In fact, I am not quite sure if I am ready to share yet.  But, I probably need to!  I am crying inside as I think about my life in the last 3 months.

whooo….

The saddest thing right now is that my soon to be 6 year old daughter’s birthday is coming up.  I miss her dearly!

Okay…..better stop for now.

Dearest daughter…..

Dearest C_,

I miss you so much. I never stop thinking of you day and night. Your poem was very powerful and very painful. I am sorry that I have caused you much pain. I hope, someday, you can forgive me. I, very much, want to see you grow up to be the most beautiful person. Please take care of yourself.

I will always love you and be here for you.

Love you always,
Daddy

Healing the Pain

It has been a while since I last post. I didn’t know what to say, but has so many thoughts in my head. So many things have happened in my life recently, which force me to really look deep into my soul. I think that is where I need to start. But,how? I am working on it with the help of true friends and family. It is hard though! Sometimes, I just want to feel numb and let life goes by and not have to think about anything. But the pain is still there.
I have read some interesting blogs and postings that has helped as well. Some are very good and touching. Some hits home as if I was reading about myself. Some makes me cry.
I still don’t know what to say! So much feeling and emotion. Thanks to a dear friend that I have a shoulder to lean on. I am learning to love and trust again.

Letting go

Another touching post by my new friend, “we meet for coffee“. Wow, what an amazing journey of life we travel in. Every day we live and every decisions we have made have long lasting and unforeseen consequences that touch our lives and many others. Yet, our lives are also affected by others’ decisions and paths that may crossed ours. Sometimes things happened that we can’t control or understand. Worse of all lack of closure! How do we accept consequences of our decisions and of others? How do we let go without fear of letting go of all the cherished memories?

Sometimes we just have to accept things that we may not understand and let go by cherished the moments we shared with one another. This, I will continue to try to do and hopefully share with others on this journey of life.
-PeacE

Tranquility

I love morning walks. Crisp & fresh cold air, and chirping birds. I walked in this park with a small lake this morning. It was very peaceful and tranquil. So many thoughts swam in my head. Most are happy with occasional intrusion of painful memories. I hope all of us take time to enjoy little moments in life and time for reflection.
-PeacE

Asian fusion

IMG_0160
Originally uploaded by Peace~n~Serenity

Photo of Point Defiance Park Japanese Garden. Gorgeous and relaxing day. Nice setting for deep contemplation of life and our journeys through it
~PeacE

Serenity

I love this photo. It defines serenity to me. I feel calm and peaceful when I stare at it. I hope to share my thoughts and experiences in this blog as I journey through life for peace and love.
-PeacE